i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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