Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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