trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
