I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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