A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize