Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
