I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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