Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
