After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
