I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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