i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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