It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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