So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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