Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
