Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
