Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
