I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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