my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize