you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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