I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
