so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
