I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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