I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
