DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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