I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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