It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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