were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
