also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I faked an abortion last night.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
