i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize