phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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