nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
