I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
