It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
