Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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