Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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