What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize