Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
