I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
