I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
