Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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