I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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