Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize