Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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