Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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