I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
