I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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