I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize