im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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