tonight lets celebrate not being married
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
