I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
