So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
