Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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