Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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