it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
