shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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