I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
