I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
